Thursday, 26 June 2014

Back, Yet Again


Comebacks are no longer news. Especially not after the many I have made. So I will not call this a come back. I will call it a ‘Back-again’. Hmmm…*thinking it over* Sounds about right.
I don’t know if I still have “IT” but only time can tell.

So what have I been up to? Life! Simply put. And life changes you. 
The glimmer you had in your eyes and the sure bounce you had in your step die down. You settle down like sediments of stale porridge, blissful in the fact that life is what it is. No amount of planning or wishing or hoping and scheming can change the course of a river. It just flows. I say this especially for the young ones out there.

Pia sisi tulikuwepo. 

Basically I have been doing the same shit y’all have been doing, I imagine.

Hustling to make a dollar. Drinking. Fucking. Making plans for the future. Remaking those plans. And making them once more. Enjoying love and life.

Yes I said love. Bo and I broke up. Got back together. Broke up for good. Got back together again and now, we are enjoying love. Comfortable in the fact that we are a colossal mistake but our demons play with each other. It’s rather sad, I know, to have settled in this sparkles routine but do you think your parents have fire in the bedroom except for when the shower heater backfires?

There are worse tragedies.

And the “back-again” advice I have brought you is, we worry too much about trivial things in life. We narrow our thinking scope to what the eyes can see. I came to learn, during my “sabbatical”, that the world is huge; bigger than we can imagine. And surely, we confine ourselves to what our parents said in disappointment, what our partners said in malice or when high or both, to what our teachers told us or what our friends say we are. Which is plain foolish.

I challenge you today to do the unexpected. Close your eyes and leap. Break the barriers that define you. Life is about you and God alone. The rest are additions you can crop out or blur.

I found freedom in this. And you know what? Freedom is contagious. And I am hoping to infect someone with this post.

I know I sound like a bumper sticker or a self-help book but fuck it! This is the truth in my heart.  

Chew on that. I will be seeing you with more posts soon.

Back, yet again
Keep warm y’all. 

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Being Femme

Dear Studs and Butches,

We know you drool over us coz of our femininity and easy demeanor oozing class but trust , it takes work to be femme.
 
Its hard work so we would rather you respect us for and in all our girly charm. Let’s break it down for you “hommies”! 
 
Face fisrt; you see the smooth face? Its takes a whole load of beauty routine and regime to maintain so that it looks and feel naturally smooth. We know y’all don’t like femmes with cakes and cakes of make up so you can imagine the nightly cleansing, weekly scrubs and facials we have to adhere to. You see these nicely shaped eyebrows? They don’t magically fall off my face; I have to tweeze or thread them. And bruh, it’s painful! But I gotta keep my beauty on.
 
Moving on, you see those silky smooth legs that you like to caress? Many femmes will not want to admit but we veet those mathafackas and moisturize the shit out of them so that when we are rolling under the sheets and you touch them, they feel like butter.
 
You see that PINK you love devouring? That taste, that nice aroma, that smooth texture… all have work put into them. Shaving/waxing constantly isn’t easy. And the monthly trips to the gynecologists are not free either. But we do them coz we know it’s inexcusable to be less than perfect down there. We want y’all to enjoy a nice southern cuisine.
 
See these nicely trimmed and perfectly manicured hands? It takes work and money to maintain that balance between nails that can go inside you without hurting you, yet they are still attractive. It could be easier to just chew them like some of y’all do but if we did that, you would start saying “ule dame wa makucha mbaya? ” So we do it so that we can walk pinky held out in pride.
 
Let’s talk clothes… how many studs here have ever worn a thong? That shit aint comfortable but since we don’t want lines to appear on our butts when we wear something tight, we have to wear them thongs and make it work.plus lets admit it, y'all find it sexxy as hell!
 
And y’all see these heels we rock? Making us looking sexy with the ass popping out and shit?  They are not easy to wear and walk, nay, DANCE IN all night with while you rock your comfy sneakers! But we do it coz we want to look classy and smoking while on your arms. the years of practice makes it easy with time though... but never easy.
 
Our bags, dresses, perfumes and accessories also take energy and effort to put together. You want to know why we take forever to shop? Its coz we want everything to be just right! Perfect! And tasteful.
  
You see our posture; Chest out, head held high, back straight, hands always in place and feet folded together when they are not making small calculated steps? It takes time to get right and make it look easy and natural. Don’t you think we would like to just slouch like y’all do and just let thing just hang loose? But it’s not femme like. we we keep the poise up!
 
You see our controlled voices, patience, grace and cheerful nature? It’s an acquired tradition passed from our mothers that we know make a woman likable and pleasant so we have learnt the tradition. Sometimes we would like to shout, be loud and vulgar without a care in the world. But for femininity’s sake, we don’t.We maintain a womanly calmness around us.
 
And all this is just a tip of the iceberg. A lot goes into making the femme that you love and adore. Some things come easy and naturally but a whole bunch of them do not… not forgetting the strengths we portray in so many aspects of life... networking in heels for the corporate femmes, baring kids and naturing them, keeping the home and family right plus so much more yet we wrap it all that under a soft exterior.

A lot of thought and strategy is put into making and being an admirable and worth-while femme. All we ask is a little more appreciation and respect. 

Love, 
Femmes.

Rainbow Socialites

Hey y’all, I had been away for a while and now I know we are past the place of apologies or excuses. And frankly, I don’t have a very good excuse this time so let me skip through to the part where I tell you what has coaxed me out of my hole… socialites.  

Today I am venting but worry not, I will keep it short.

 Now, like me, many of you must be wondering what a socialite does… well my friend told me that this is a person who is famous for being famous. Confusing right?

But the dictionary tells me that a socialite is someone who participates in social activities and spends a significant amount of time entertaining and being entertained at fashionable events attended by others of similar standing. You can also be a socialite based on birth, breeding, education, and economic standing.

They don’t particularly have to be talented (or even sometimes hot) but they have to have an “It” factor that makes them the “it people” in the media. Think Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and basically anyone who became famous through a reality show or through a publicized scandal. 

Now we have Kenyan socialites. Totally different breed. These are mamaas or jamaas who could have come from humble beginnings like Mathare and Korogocho but we see them popping bottles and flaunting money and latest fashion. Our Kenyan socialites also happen to be artists. Do not pay much attention to the “art” part since there is no talent to speak of… think of Pendo who I KNOW FOR A FACT leaked photos of herself doing some mamaa in a hotel room (Click HERE to see those photos) after she hit lime light when she claimed to have had a roll in the hay with Willy Paul. (Poor boy who is now rumored to be soliciting hookers in Ngara)



Think Avril who I don’t think has the voice to give someone Goosebumps but made sure she left her mark when she released her lesbian romance nude photos.

And how about the Mureithi actor guy who has his junk plastered all over social media.  Ok, the more obvious Huddah Monroe Njoroge who was once as dark and skinny as any other kyuk mamaa from shags.  Even Mustapha- the artist has had his try in the nude pictures area. Oh and how can we forget Vera? Basically creating a scandal around yourself to earn the attention of Kenyans in order to further your career or to gain clients for whatever business that you have.  (Click HERE to see nude socialite photos)

This is where I am going with this; I see some tu-gilrs and even tu-boys trying that socialite stunt in Rainbowville (New word. Its Lezville +Gayville = Rainbowville J). Eti Rainbow socialites! Puh! This is my advice to you- DON’T!  Why? First and foremost; there is no money to be made from being a socialite in Rainbowville. No endorsements, no videos, no TV shows. So if you are going to leave peeps with a bad taste in their mouths, make sure you are gaining from it. (read: money)

Second, if you are going to do something, go hard! Don’t post shady photos that you have taken with your ‘shina’ phone in your tiny room with buckets and sleepers in the background. Go to a studio, remove your clothes, and pose like you mean it. (And by the way, keenly note, you can only get away with bad nude pics if you are already famous like Avril. If you are not… please DO NOT. We will just think you a hooker soliciting for clients on FB. )

 Just coz your badly taken photo has gotten 37likes on FB doesn’t make you a model or even a socialite. Not even remotely.  So do not put up status updates of how so many girls and boys are chasing after you or how many haters you got. Do not post pics of every 300bob shoes you buy from Muthurwa and finally, please do not get into Q-events and bashes with airs of “look-at-me-I-have-arrived” while looking down on others.  You are not a celeb.

Do something to get the attention of the mainstream media first then call yourself a socialite/celeb.

Since we have ruled out those Rainbowville/Lezville socialite wanna-be’s, in your opinion, who are the real Rainbowville/Lezville socialites? Names please…

Monday, 15 April 2013

Why Bo And I Took A Break

Like I had mentioned in my last post, Bo and I were on a break and I am the one who called for it because I felt like she was reverting to her old ways and I damn well wasn't going to just sit there and watch.
Anyway, since you have been with me all along, its time I tell you what happened; we were in the house, Bo and I. Me watching TV and her working on the laptop. She later fell asleep. When I finished the movie I switched off the TV and was on my way to join her in bed when I heard that ka FB chat sound. I am not a nosy mamaa but it was at like 3am. Dafuq could be chatting my woman at this hour? The devil whispered in my ear and before I knew it, I was opening the whole thread of the conversation between Bo and the mysterious internet woman whom by the way I had never heard of. Which is weird coz so far Bo has told me of almost every woman she has had a serious thing with/for? Not that I demanded to know but it made for good conversation on those boring days. I didn’t want to be caught snooping so I did the next smart thing; copy pasted the conversation between Jane Doe (JD) and Bo on my flash disk and logged Bo off of FB. I opened the conversation and this is what I was met with-

JD
Can't complain. Same as u left me I guess.
Timing still off?
Coz I wanna play a game. Only rules is no restrictions and no takin it personal.
And no, its not about sex (Sorry to disappoint)
Bo
Funny. Lemmie indulge u... all ears.
JD
I ask a question, we both answer it regarding the other. Then its ur turn
Bo
OK. Lets see. U go 1st!
JD
Something about me that always pissed u off (Explanations for Q&A allowed)
Bo
Why do we have to start with the unpleasant stuff?
JD
Fine. U ask.
Bo
Uumm... U seeing someone?
JD
No.
Why?
Boring turn, but why?
NO LYING
New rule
Bo
Kwani you have been recently dumped?
JD
No.
I've been single since b4 we met
Bo
So one night stands huh? Or friends with benefits?
JD
A little bit of both.
None of the above though. Lately
So,wher're ur answers?:-]
Bo
Is either one of the options above what u had in mind for me?
JD
Are u gonna be able to answer all these questions?
And that’s plenty difficult and sorta unfair question. U neva stick around more than 5min. Never had a chance to figure it out.
Bo
My net has issues. Give me your number I text.
JD
Bila phone.
Never stopped me in the past though....
Perhaps things always getting in our way ni a sign?

You there?
Bo
No number? Why do I find that hard to believe.
When I take long to reply be patient. My net is unstable.
JD
I will try. Have I answered you well enough so far?
Bo
Hmmm... Honest enough. But one more, why do you keep in touch with me.
Straight answer.
JD
Really? Ok. If a straight answer is vital, I'd have to respond like a menstruating femme and ask u if u think I've called u, texted and now mailed for so long coz that’s the kind of thing that adds sweetness inches to my cunt?
Bo
I have half a mind to ignore u but I’d like to see your end game! Hahahaha…
JD
Now u know what it’s like chasing you.
Bo
Anyway, my turn to answer questions…
Yes. I am seeing someone. Any other question/s?
JD
This was supposed to be a simple convo with examples and all that explanatory stuff.
Which leads me back to my original questions
What’re the things about me u didn’t like?
And do u mind answering the questions I've asked?
Bo
I don’t do those of "we fuck around as we figure out where this thing is headed".  That is where we always seem to head when we do meet.
JD
So u meet people and jus make a decision to date them?
Bo
For me it’s either its happening or its not. Anyway, maybe ur right about u and I being on diff pages.
JD
I don’t expect things from anyone.
U could have just hung out. Let what happens happen
Bo
Stop being so fucking defensive.
See what tickles my brain is, I doubt you keep contact with mamaas u banged years ago. Personally I don’t keep contact either yet here we are. So where is “X”?
JD
Here we are indeed.
And honestly I expected u to be pissed off by now.
Looks like we're still talkin though.
Bo
Were u trying to piss me off?
JD
Of course not. People just get emotional about honesty
Bo
Hahahaha…You always knew how to throw a good punch. So I indulge u
JD
Laugh all you want but don’t act like I'm out of my mind
Bo
I felt like every time we meet I was getting a different version of u.
JD
Yeah.U told me that once.
What if that’s the way I am.
Borderline bipolar.....
Would that be a deal breaker 4u?
Bo
If you are bipolar, pick a character and stick with it when it comes to me. Can u do that?
JD
I wouldn’t be bipolar if I could.
But we've never done anything else other than drink and fuck. Let’s spend a day together. See what you think of me then.
Bo
Have your therapist write you up something to prove that you are really bi-polar and not just psychotic.
JD
Anyway, what do u say?
Spend a day together?
Bo
I am tired and sleepy so answer me this truthfully: where is the “X”? The spot where all this is leading to?
JD
That’s the thing. I'm not hoping for anything. Like I told you, I don’t expect things from anyone.
I'm just asking u to meet up for drinks
Bo
A little thinking does help sometimes. If I do come, it would be out of sheer curiosity. But not this weekend.
JD
Oh.Well. can’t blame a girl for trying. You've never played so hard to get… is it the new girl? That never stopped you before.
Bo
Goodnight JD. Keep warm
JD
Running away so soon? No fun…

Hey…

Still there?

After reading this I had half a mind to pour boiling water on the sleeping woman next to me but instead I confronted her.
There was a heated argument about who was wrong or right; her for entertaining JD or me for snooping. I don’t know who won but my voice was definitely louder. We decided to take some time off but we have smoothed things out and we getting back on track.
Now, dear friends, I have thousand and one questions. This woman seems to have wit and rolls well with the “punches”. SHE even intrigues me myself. And from the prof pic she had, hurts to admit but she is easy on the eye as well.
Should I be worried?
Who the fuck is she and why have I never heard of her before? They definitely seem to have unfinished business!
Do I have a reason to be mad at Bo? Coz in my books that was borderline flirting. And she is GOOOOD!
Most of all, HOW DO I STOP HER FROM MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP?        Please help. Coz even though we have started mending fences with Bo and things seem to be getting back on track, I still worry.
I am not one to scare easily (coz pia mimi si mdogo when it comes to brains charm and wit- insert applause here) but I know when I have met my match. How do I position myself to put up a good defense or even a fight if it comes to one? 

Monday, 18 March 2013

Dykes and Hookers - Part2

“Ondoka kwa njia nichukue bag yangu”  Bitch said as she tried to shove Crazy out of the way which was a futile attempt coz Crazy has way more mass than Bitch.
“Usiniguze tena Anne.” Ooooh… So Bitch had a name after all. And it wasn’t ‘babe’ as Crazy had been calling her all night.
“Mbwa hii utado?” Anne asked with a sneer and without a word, she put all her strength behind her weight and gave Crazy one mighty shove which send her tumbling over her coffee table and it broke as she went down with it.
Anne quickly dashed past the falling heap of a woman and disappeared into Crazy’s bedroom.
But Crazy was surprisingly fast back on her feet and dashed after Anne. I just stood there too horrified to move cussing and asking myself what in hell I had gotten myself into.
I knew we had to do something to break up the two or at least mediate peace but what could I do? I am not so big physically, I was half drunk and heck, I didn’t think it was my place but I didn’t want to be a witness to murder.
So I turned to Sue who was standing besides me “Sue, do something!”
“Kama? Hawa hushinda hivyo. Weh rudi ukalale.” She said nonchalantly and took my hand to lead me back to the bedroom since I didn’t seem to comprehend what she had just told me.
Just as I was about to turn, we heard screams coming from the bedroom and I let go of Sue’s hand and dashed towards the bedroom but halfway through the sitting area, Crazy emerged from the bedroom dragging Anne but her hair while Anne kicked and hurled insults too sordid to write here and tried to throw punches none of which landed on Crazy.
Now Sue jumped in. “Aih chief, wacha za ovyo. Mwache achukue vitu zake” she said holding Crazy’s free hand.
Crazy threw Sue aside which Sue wasn’t prepared for coz she almost fell flat on her ass. She caught herself just in time and came back with ferocity; she got to her feet and threw Crazy back which almost knocked Crazy off her feet.
While Crazy she stumbled, Anne took that chance and sunk her teeth into Crazy’s hand.
Crazy screamed and pushed/threw Anne’s head off of her and poor Anne landed with her mouth on the chairs arm’s rest.
When she lifted her head, blood was gushing from her mouth. Crazy and Sue didn’t even notice as they were busy pushing each other.
Anne didn’t waste time crying over it though. She bolted for the door leaving behind the bag she had been fighting for.
I decided to do the same and rushed back to the bedroom to gather my things up and leave. When I came back to the sitting area, I found Sue and Crazy still at it and I knew it was just a matter of time before I was caught inbetween an exchange of blows.  
Si you know how a cartoon sneaks out? Yup! That was me. But the bloody metal door was noisy and I caught both Sue and Crazy’s attention which jolted them back to reality. Crazy looked around and on not seeing Anne, dashed to the bedroom leaving Sue and I staring at each other.
“Saa unaenda?” Sue asked me.
“He! Si home. Can I get a cab around here?” I was panicking and desperately wanted to leave. I didn’t know what Crazy would do next. Kick us out, pick a fight with us, come out of the bedroom with a knife or something worse… my mind was racing.
“Una ufala nini? Cab gani saa hii?”
“Let me call my cab guy basi.” I said in desperation as I reached for my bag to take out my phone. Fucking hell! My battery was dead! Just my bloody luck!
“Do you have a charger for this phone? Ama unisaidie na simu yako niweke sim-card?” I asked Sue who was looking at me with those eyes of ‘calm the fuck down.’
“Fuck! Huyo Malaya ameenda wapi?” Crazy shouted before Sue could answer me. She was standing by the bedroom door  looking mad as hell. But wait; was that a hint of worry in Crazy’s eyes?  Now I was seriously confused. Who was Anne to Crazy?
Crazy looked at Sue then both women turned to face me.
“Alihepa mki-fight” I quickly offered before Crazy’s wrath was turned on poor little me.
“Shit!” Crazy said grabbing her car keys “Sue toka twende”.
And just like that, my dead phone still in one hand, my bag in the other and with one shoe on, I was left in a Crazy house all alone while they went out to look for Anne.
I couldn’t leave and I couldn’t even call Bo to come pick me up. So I locked the door, put my phone and bag down and reached for the remote. “Heck, I might as well enjoy a movie” I thought to myself.
I fell asleep while watching the movie only to be woken up by four women at the door at around 5am drunk than they had been earlier.
Oh the fourth woman? Sue finally scored some ass. Or paid some ass… who knows?
So while Crazy and Anne(with a busted and slightly swollen lip) staggered to one bedroom, Sue and new bitch to the one I had been sleeping in earlier, I was left on the couch with my movie which wasn’t nearly as loud as the sound tracks of drunken sex.
Sue later confirmed to me that Anne was really a paid hooker but was Crazy’s regular and at its best, they had some sort of weird relationship.
And what were Crazy and Anne fighting about? Something to do with Anne refusing to do something involving her asshole.
Still, so many questions I had gone unanswered or rather, unasked.
  1. Who does who in a dyke-hooker relationship?
  2. Does the dyke really go down on the hooker? (What with the places her butterfly might have been to or the crayons and dirty brushes that have colored it)
  3. Does the hooker get to fuck the dyke back?
  4. Do they even kiss?
  5. Do they scissor?
  6. And toys? Do they use them?
  7. And is the price the same as for when the hooker charges a male client.
  8. Oh, and are there exclusive dyke hooker in the same way there are MSM hookers?
Plus so many more… anyone care to answer?
One thing is for sure though; I am never, ever, EVER hanging out with Sue and Crazy again. Not if I can help it
Happy Monday Y'all. (:)

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Dykes and Hookers

The story was too juicy to keep to myself so i just got half of it out of the way. I will write the other half some time during the weekend. I didn't have time to thoroughly edit so this is raw. 


You know how we all have that one weird friend who has that one craaazy friend? Like Hangover1 and 2 put together kind of straight jacket crazy? Well, I hang out with one of those friends of mine last weekend. Lets call her *Sue.

Well Bo and I are having a hard time and we are kind of on a break… yes yes yes I know. That story will be up next. Lemmie be done with this first.

So I was alone and I couldn’t find one single friend to hang out with since we are keeping this Bo and I fight on the down low, they all assumed I was busy with Bo as usual. See girls, this is why you never abandon your friends once you get a mamaa.

So anyway, I wasn’t about to be depressed all alone in the house with a bottle of wine watching re-runs of desperate housewives. I called up Sue and as expected, she was out. With her crazy friend, lets call her *Crazy. Crazy is a stud borderline butch. She has a comfy life with a car, a house and money to drink like its going out of style but I do not know what she does for a living. No one I know actually does.

And Sue is the kind of friend who will tell you stories of how this time she went to the beach in Malindi and a random guy invited her up to some boat where there was a party where she did lots of coke. I don’t get how she has never ended up in a bath tub full of ice with her kidney missing. She is crazy and if you sign up to hang out with her, get ready to wake up in Moyale in a mabati lodging with no clue where your bag is. She is Andro btw (cant tell if boy or girl from the outside).

I love Sue but she is a typical leech. Cant keep a job for 3months, no one is sure where she lives, innocent girls always seem to fall for her, she dresses decently well, constantly broke but she is always drinking. We all know a friend like that, right?

So now you see how a symbiotic relationship would develop between the Sue and Crazy, right? Sue needs money to drink and Crazy needs a friend who can supply her with women.

Moving on, I met up with Sue in town and proceeded to a semi dingy shack in West. I could spot out some gays and dykes easily but I didn’t know about the rest.  And just as luck would have it, I got seated next to this bulldog of a butch-dyke whose left check was full of khat(miraa). She never spoke to me the whole time we were there but she kept stealing glances. I was uncomfy but some weed quickly took care of that.

Sue had told me they were here to pick up Crazy’s “malaya”(hooker/bitch). I thought it was just a twisted term of endearment they used to refer to their women like some people do. Like “cheki zile viatu kale kamalaya kangu kalinibuyia”(check out these shoes my hoe/bitch got for me).

A whole hour later, two women walked in. One was not burdened down by clothing- if you know what I mean- and the other was a petite girl with a not so petite ass in tight pants and nice blouse. She looked decent compared to her counterpart.

The girl in the rationed clothes came right over to where I was seated and gave the bulldog-dyke a hug and sat down next to her. While the other one in tight jeans went and sat next to Crazy.

I am telling you this experience was one right out of a movie screen. But lemmie skip over to the Crazy part.

After about half an hour after the two girls walked in, Sue signaled me to follow her outside and we got into Crazy’s car and headed to another ka-pub in Ngara. We continued drinking and I just sat there soaking it all in, laughing at Sue every once in a while as she attempted to dance behind some ass.

A couple of beers later I wanted to go home after and Sue kept hitting on random mamaas and striking out while Crazy and her bitch danced and made out like the rest of us didn’t exist.

I was high, I missed Bo and kept dozing off on the table which seemed to annoy the waiters. After trying to persuade Sue and Crazy to leave for what seemed like forever, they agreed.

We got to Crazy’s place and I was shown to a bed that I was only too happy to stumble into.

Barely had I closed my eyes for what seemed like 5minutes before I heard commotion and shouting too bizarre to ignore.

I walked to the sitting area only to find Crazy fighting with her bitch.

“Toka! Malaya wewe! Unathani nakulipia nini?” Crazy shouted!

“Leta pesa zangu. Leo sitoki hadi unilipe.” Bitch shouted back.

Dafuq did I just hear? 

To be continued...

Sunday, 3 March 2013

A-Zee

I read this piece with my mouth agape the whole time. But towards the end of it I was laughing my ribcage to death. Call it my twisted sense of humor. It’s a sad-funny story and I loved it.I asked for a second part coz I just have to know how this story ended and I hope its coming soon. Enjoy.  


I was a dim-witted naive dyke once upon a time.
In my youth I suffered a malady common to many lesbians that made me incredibly susceptible to a high fluctuation rate on the “woman of my dreams” continuum. The parameters of dream woman seemed to change every time a female batted her eyelashes at me.
But this one woman of my past dreams, or rather night mares brought me to my knees.
Let’s call her Zee coz she is at the bottom of my alphabetical soup right now.
Mine was a classic case of Mary and her little lamb. I would have followed that woman anywhere and I did follow her everywhere. I left my friends and even moved estates to make it work with this woman. I drained my bank account and my sense of self preservation just to make her happy.
I worked overtime to keep the relationship alive and I convinced myself that that is what it meant to be the top/dominant partner. Every time she rewarded my efforts with the occasional warmth, I was over the moon.
To be fair, she had a good side. And she knew it. She flashed it every once in a while to get stuff from me or to have her way when in rare moments I grew lady balls. She kept her good side turned to the camera. In all the photographs of our years together she is flawless. We look flawless. It’s only my mental image of her that’s cracked.
This is where it all started; I had borrowed my mom’s starlet to take Zee out on Valentines Day and she had been cooing and purring in my arms all day. I really stepped up my game that day and the merry making found us at a bar in town at around midnight with some of our friends. Well, her friends really. Her Ex- Lynch (coz that’s what I would like done to her) whom Zee was sweet on from time to time was part of the entourage. I had had a problem with it for longest time for obvious reasons but I was made to understand that Lynch’s presence in Zee’s life was non-negotiable.
She was my queen; I let her have her way. She loved ME after all.
After a couple of beers I had to hit the bathroom. When I came out- I wasn’t in there long- I found Zee seated on Lynch’s lap. Zee’s hand was resting on Lynch’s shoulder and their lips were too close. They were talking in low tones.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. This scenario was common whenever we had a fight and Zee got high.
But in the past she had been this way with neutral safe friends and never took it so far. More so we weren’t fighting and she had been calling me “D” all day- her sweet nickname for me.
I needed to act fast.
“So Zee,” I said loudly as I approached “I’m tired. What say we go home?”
Zee swiveled to face me. Her cheeks were flushed much like they had been on those other many occasions before.
She frowned and said “Home?” as if it were a lewd suggestion.
Lynch (whom I has been forced into being friends with over time) slowly lifted her head to me and “its only 1:30. What’s your hurry? ”
“Geez hell,” I snarled, “its late and I want to leave. I am tired!”
Zee took a full 4seconds to think it over before saying, “I am not coming with you D.”
I pretended not to hear. “We can stop and get fries on our way home. I am starving!”
Zee stood up from Lynch’s lap and led me to the entrance of the bar “I am not coming with you at all D.”
“I can’t do this anymore” I said trying to scare her into submission. 
She looked down and played with the shiny bracelet I had saved up all month to buy her as her Valentines Day gift.
And without looking up “I hope we can still be friends” she said.
My eyes widened to the size of saucers in astonishment as my heart dropped.  
I tried locking eyes with her, “Babe,” I moaned “I love you. Let’s just go home and rest. In the morning we’ll fix this. It’s late and you are high.”
The eye ploy didn’t work. Zee looked up, she looked down, and she looked sideways. I was following her gaze so I saw Lynch wave at her from inside the bar. 
“I will call you and tell you where to drop off my stuff. Bye D.” With that she turned and briskly walked back into the bar.
I sat on a flower pot outside the bar digesting what had just happened and contemplating what to do next.
I got into the car and drove around town for a few hours before I finally decided to go home.
When I got home, I lay in bed and started missing Zee. I missed the way she called me her little ‘puppy dog’ and the way she cooed ‘baby’ in my ear late at night when she lay besides me. It didn’t really matter that she had humiliated me and my heart was breaking. That made me long for her even more.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t bathe and I was scared to think of what else I could possibly never do because all I did was lie in bed and cry.  
Eventually I started seeing a therapist to help me get over my chronic depression or the fact that I couldn’t get over her. I swore off women and I was content in the thought that if I never bought new underwear again in my entire life no one would notice.
Then a week into therapy Zee called me for the first time since Valentines Day night and against my therapist’s advice I answered the call. I missed her voice.
“No need to call Zee,” I said calmly, “I will have your stuff dropped off at your mum’s…”
“No D. I don’t want my stuff.” She interrupted me.
“Then what do you want?” I asked wearily.
“I have done it to you again haven’t I? D I am so sorry about what I did.”
“If you loved me then how could you do that to me Zee?”
“I don’t know D. It’s just that when Lynch talked to me, I forgot all about you. How wonderful you are and how well you take care of me. I forgot how perfect we are together. I am messed up.” She choked back tears.
“Now don’t cry babe. We’ll figure this out.”
After talking for a while, we agreed to see my therapist together.
“D”
“Yes”
“Please send me cab fare. I wanna come home.”
“I will M-pesa you right away babe.”
“I really do love you D. You know that right?”
“Just come home babe.”
We exchanged endearments and hung up and I sent her the money to come back into my arms. I was elated to have her back! 
But that was pretty much the beginning of the end.

-D